It always finds you
by defense-against-reality
Summary: In this story instead of going to Jacob and motorcycles for danger Bella went to a dealer in Seattle. This takes place 2 years after Edward left. Bella is coming home to Forks
1. Chapter 1

It Always Finds You

Just so everyone knows: This is FANFICTION it is based on the work of Stephenie Meyer and most characters and locations are hers. I simple use her brilliant characters and world.

Chapter 1 Homecoming

BPOV

I knocked on the door, cringing. I had no idea what to say to Charley. How do you tell your father, who happens to be sheriff, that you had to leave because you didn't have enough money to pay your deal so you he made a deal to give him…other things…in exchange for drugs? How do you explain that you spent an entire year living with said dealer doing unnamed things before you found out that you were pregnant? That you spent the next five months on a friend's couch who helped you kick the habit before you messed up the little bundle of joy that would have ruined your life if a vampire, who shall remain nameless even in my own head, hadn't done that back in high school. Just thinking about him, even without his name was painful, although two years had gone by, a little more than one of which was spend using heavy drugs which dulled my memories.

Most importantly would he just slam the door back in my face after what I had done? About a week after graduation was when I made the deal with Connor, my baby's daddy. What else should I call the bastard? I did the cowardly thing and just took off. I hadn't said goodbye, or even called him to let him know I was alright. He probably thought I was dead. I felt a stab of guilt.

Now here I was on his door step about to beg him for a place to stay. For the thousandth time I thought that about turning around and leaving. Why cause everyone this pain? Maybe it's better to think I died than deserted them. It's not like I can really explain why I left. I mean yeah I can probably explain that I started going to this guy because I wanted to numb the pain, but that's not the whole truth. Whenever I do something stupid, I hear HIM. Doing dugs had two major pulls. First, I hear Edw…HIM. Will NOT think HIS name. Second, I hear Him and then am saved from the agony of knowing he no longer loves me. That he left me voluntarily only worried that I would make him guilty by hurting myself in his name.

I don't think I can tell my dad that I hear HIM in my head. Or anyone else for that matter.

Of course there was more than one reason I ran off. One was my addiction. The other was Jacob. Jacob was a great guy, really kind, totally in love with me. Unfortunately I can never love anyone other than that god cursed vampire. Yes, I have finally realized what a jackass HE is. I shouldn't even care about him, but …like I can help it.

Jacob told me about being a werewolf, admitting that you can get really big and grow fur is not exactly something you tell all the girls, and I lead him on. I mean I really lead him on. I had sex with him and told him I loved him. Even admitting it to myself I feel a hand squeeze my heart. I did love Jacob in a way, but not the way he loved me. I ran off partly to avoid hurting him any more. Okay, just to avoid him. He is…was…my best friend and I was cheating on him with Connor to get drugs. Explaining that was not a conversation I wanted to have. I really never wanted to see how much I had hurt him. Yes, I know what a cowardly bitch I am.

The door opened and Charlie stood there. I watched his expression change to one of surprise and astonishment. "Bella?" He whispered, more a question then a statement.

"Hey dad." I tried a weak smile. Charlie simple stood there gawking. I saw him take in my appearance, a lot better than when he'd last seen me. I'd put on some weight, partly due to having Luisa, 4 pounds 3 ounces. She had come prematurely….she hadn't made it. That was a large part of the reason I had come back. Staying in that house where I had spent days feeling her kick…too many painful memories. I hadn't wanted her. I had prayed she would go away, and she had. I knew that hadn't killed my baby. After blaming myself so long for things that weren't my fault I had finally learned how to tell if they were. Partly because so many problems in my life were my fault, not that I had much of a life anymore. It had been four months after I lost Luisa that I had finally decided to come home. By now all the excess weight I had gained was gone, I had taken up jogging and with so much practice I didn't fall down much anymore. I looked thin and exactly as I had before I met Edward, except for the bite scar on my hand.

Charlie looked at my face as if he was seeing ghosts, I guess he kinda was.

"Bella… I thought…we though…you were…" He broke off and hugged me tight. He started sobbing into my shoulder. I hugged him back as a few tears ran down my own cheeks, but I said nothing. After few minuets someone from inside called "Who is it?"

Then the person I least wanted to see came to the door. Jacob. Emotion flickered across his face, surprise, confusion, hurt, before settling on anger. Just that flash of pain made felt like a knife to the heart. I really did care about Jacob. It just wasn't what I felt for HIM.

"I see you came back." His tone held scorn and malice. I had never heard Jacob use that tone before, at least never directed at me. I look up at Jacob. He had grown, he must be 6'8" now. His hair was that same style he adopted when he become a werewolf. His high cheek bones were still perfect, but his face had become an ugly mask. He wasn't my Jacob right now. He was angry and spite filled.

Charlie started mumbling things like "My god. I can't believe." and " Your back." I glared at Jacob and muttered soothing things to Charlie. It seemed like a long time before he pulled away. When I released him he seemed more himself. Rage started to fill his face turning it that interesting shade of purple. I knew he was close to exploding, not that I could blame him. I tried to think of a way to pacify him, but I couldn't think what to say. I couldn't remember what kinds of things calm him and what makes it worse. My memories were blurred from the drugs, but thank the lord, there was no permanent damage. My new memories were fine, just old ones were all a bit fuzzy, or not there at all. I wondered, not for the first time since I sobered up, how many things I had forgotten?

I settled on looking ashamed and asking softly, "Can I come in?"

The vein in Charlie's forehead stopped throbbing, but his face was still furious. "Yeah. _I_ never wanted to you to leave." The way he said _I_ made me blush. I liked to think I had gotten better at not blushing, but not that good. Charlie motioned for me to go inside. I picked up my battered duffel and I think Charlie noticed it for the first time. He didn't say anything though.

Jacob was still glaring at me. As I shuffled past he murmured "Guess whoever you left for wasn't as good."

My face flushed. He had known that there was someone else. I didn't want to imagine how much that had hurt him.

"You'll do nothing, but mess everyone's life again by coming back." My stomach flipped. Was he right? Another idea accrued to me when I reached the Kitchen. Putting my bag down I thought, Or was he just saying what he knew would hurt me most? He was always so good at reading my mind. Not literally, but he would know what would hurt me most. Instantly I was furious. How could he do that? Then I sighed. My rage replaced by guilt. I deserved far worse.

Charlie had followed behind me. We sat down opposite each other on the small kitchen table. "Start talking." He said, words filled with anger and pain.

Where to begin?

Chapter 2 Amends

I watched Charlie across the table fumbling for the words. "I…well..."

"Got on with it Bella." I heard the warning in Charlie's voice.

"I guess I'll start for when…Edward" It was incredible difficult, but I said the name without flinching. The hole in my chest did throb though. I folded my arms across my chest and continued "left me. I was well…heartbroken" The word didn't really describe the catatonic state I had been in, but it was the only word I could think of. Charlie made a sound indicating he was thinking something along the same lines. I shifted my gaze to the table. It was easier to talk if I didn't have to see Charlie's face. Or Jacob's behind his.

"I couldn't handle it. I started going on those long drives, remember? Well, somehow I ended up in Seattle. I meet a guy there…who could get me…" This was hard to admit. I had to tell police chef Swam about my substance abuse. "He sold me drugs." My eyes stayed fixed to the table, but I could feel the look Charlie was giving me. It made me cringe like I was seven again.

"It was…fine for awhile. I had some money saved up. I went there almost every weekend. But…after graduation my money ran out and by then I needed the stuff." I dared a glance at Charlie. His mouth was slightly open in that "I can't believe what I'm hearing" kind of way. The purple color had faded though. I took a breath before continuing.

"He offered me a deal to get more and I took it. I know I shouldn't have, but…I'm sorry. I really am. I never meant to hurt you." The words were falling in a rush now. Tears glinted in my eyes. "Or Renee. Or you Jacob. God I'm sorry. I never intended to hurt you like that, Jacob."

Putting my face in my hands I took several steadying breaths. No one said anything so I continued. "I moved in with him for…awhile." I wasn't going to mention Luisa. I had accepted what had happened, but the pain was still raw. Still fresh. I would avoid the subject if I could. "A friend of mine helped me clean myself up about eight months ago. And now I'm back…at least I'm hoping you'll take me back." I paused. "I don't have anywhere else to go." I sounded desperate. That was the truth. As manipulative and cold as it sounded, I didn't have anywhere else to go. I needed Charlie to take me in.

Squeezing my eyes shut I willed the tears to stop. I had gotten better at suppressing emotions. Practice. Last two years had taught me that. One positive thing to off set so many negative. Offset so much pain, caused and endured.

Now I had to face all the problems I left behind. Somehow I was stronger now. I had been damaged beyond repair and unfathomable being damaged more had made me stronger. I had faced smaller problems, though addiction and the death of a child are hardly small, and now I could and would handle this. Then finally move on. He had wanted me to. I was beginning to think if I got through this I could.

Still hiding my face in my hands I said "Somebody please say something."

It was Charlie who responded "I want to know why, but you already told me. Doesn't seem like enough reason though." He was showing insight he never had before…or maybe I just don't remember it. Sadness passed over me like a cloud. It lasted but a moment, I had many regrets.

"You can stay here. Call your…Renee." He paused. "I'm going to work." He looked meaningfully at Jacob then at me clearly saying he thought we needed time to talk. Funny he never used to do things like that. I guess the last two years hadn't changed only me.

He walked out of the kitchen leaving me alone with Jacob. I looked at the table once more and waited. The door slammed, then we heard Charlie's car pull away. Jacob's eyes bored into me. "You left me to be some guy's drug whore." He spat the words at me. I looked at him. Furry was radiating from his black eyes and he shock with rage.

"Calm down Jacob, please. I…I can't defend what I did. It was wrong, I was a bitch I know that. Just tell me what can make it better."

"Your telling me to calm down! You have no right to tell me what to do! You damn…GOD!" He was shaking so badly…I realized that I was feeling fear. Why was I afraid? I needed to remember…it was important. Evidently he read the fear in my eyes.

He took one breath and the shaking stopped "I'm not going to change. Don't worry." He barked harsh laughter "Even after all this time, I'm the one comforting _you_." The way he said you turned it into a curse.

I stood and went to him. I wanted to put my arms around him and tell him it would be alright. I wanted to make this go away, make hi all better. I resisted the urge. "Jake all I can do is say how sorry I am. Believe me I suffered for me choice." I could hear the bitterness in my own voice. He looked down at my last remark. He seemed to think for a moment.

Then he said, "Tell me something."

"I will tell you anything you want. I own you that at the very least."

"Were you fucking him while we were together?" His voice was steady.

"Why would you ask that?" I didn't want to tell him, but I couldn't lie. I could do any more wrong by him. I was already the heartless bitch who hurt him. That tore me up enough.

"Just answer. My reasons are my own." I turned my bask to him and whispered,

"Yes."

"Wasn't I enough for you?" He was getting angry. "Was I? Look at me!" I looked up and he had taken a step close. We were almost touching, it surprised me in to taking a step backwards. "What? You can't even be near me? I'm not good enough to be near you now? I had you! I am better than you!" I had turned away from him again. He grabbed my chin and forced my face upwards. "Look at me god damn it!" He screamed at me.

His grip hurt and tears fell from my eyes. I saw immeasurable pain in his eyes. Pain and anger. I had caused that. I had hurt him. The hole that was Jacob's open and threatened to tear me apart. I wasn't a soft person any more. Anyone else and I would have made them let go, but…I would let Jacob do whatever he wanted to me. I deserved it.

"Jacob." I said through my tears. I was sobbing now and the word was hardly comprehensible. His anger flicked and faded replaced by concern. He let go of my face and embraced me. "Bella. I missed you so much…why did you do that? How could you?" He was whispering. The pain in his voice made me cry harder. I clung to him.


	2. Chapter 3 Confrontations

First thanks to everyone who read and review my story. No one ever reads my stuff so it means so much to me that you all took the time. So here is the next chapter I hope you all enjoy it.

Oh and as for Bella and Edward all I can tell you is that at least one of the Cullens will become involved in this story, but it won't necessarily be Edward.

**Chapter 3 Confrontations **

**Last time: **_"Jacob." I said through my tears. I was sobbing now and the word was hardly comprehensible. His anger flicked and faded replaced by concern. He let go of my face and embraced me. "Bella. I missed you so much…why did you do that? How could you?" He was whispering. The pain in his voice made me cry harder. I clung to him._

Time seemed to stand still in the sunny kitchen as I stood with face buried in Jacob's shirt. I took in his smell, a natural sort of smell something like pine or cinnamon. It was the scent of fresh mountain air, and at the same time something totally unique to Jacob. He had been stroking my hair, but now he stopped. Hesitantly he lay a kiss on my head then pulled away.

I let him, but kept my face down. I heard him sigh, but without his face to go by I couldn't tell if it was a sigh of impatience, or sadness.

"Bella" He started. He paused for a moment and I looked up at him. Anger had come back into his eyes but it was subdued now.

"I asked you a question. You said yourself, you owe me at least that much."

As I said before, having a conversation about how I cheated on him to get drugs was not something I wanted to do…but if he really wanted to I owed it to him. I owed it to him to look into his eyes and tell him the truth. Tell him that yes, I was fucking him and Connor at the same time. Easier thought than said.

I looked away for a minuet before I could make myself meet his eyes. "Yes" I whispered "I was with him while we were together." No blush stained my cheeks. I hoped my eyes showed him how very ashamed and sorry I was.

He nodded and the look on his face said that I had just confirmed what he had already known…and that he was not finished with this conversation. It said that he was going to make this conversation as painful for me as he could, and that there was hope, if I had this conversation, that we could be friends. Perhaps better friends than before because this time he knew that I was truly broken. I had promised and I would let him have this, but all I could think was run.

Jacob sat down in the chair Charlie had just vacated. His eyes never left mine as he gestured to the chair across from him. Reluctantly, very reluctantly, I took the seat.

He didn't say anything for awhile and I had started fidgeting before I realized what I was doing and stopped myself. "Jacob. If we are going to talk some more you need to tell me what you want to know. I haven't a clue where to start and quite frankly if this is up to me, we aren't going to do this." I admit it. Despite knowing that I owed him this and that _I_ had wronged _him_ no the other way around, I was getting angry. Anger had become a very dominate part of my nature in the last year. It was the only way I could protect myself. That and the fact that I was tired of being treated like someone's property or having someone think they could just take what they wanted and leave me. In a way my anger was my way of letting the world know that I valued myself.

And that is one of the main ways I have changed. Or tried to. I no longer think over and over that I am not worthy. Because I am…or I have been telling myself so anyways hoping it will stick somehow.

Jacob took his queue from me and brought a slightly hostile and defensive note into his voice. His eyes hardened just the tiniest bit.

"Fine." He stopped there. My irritation grew. I began tapping my foot. Jacob ignored that and took his time.

"Why didn't you say goodbye?" I probably should have seen that one coming, but…I didn't. My face flushed and I turned away letting my hair fall in a curtain blocking my face from him.

"I already told you." Sighing I repeated myself talking about the deal with Connor.

"No. That's why you left." Jacob leaned forward so he was right up in my face. I could feel his hot breath on my face, it would have been incredible intimate if he hadn't been spitting his words with such venom. "Why didn't you say goodbye? You've said you left to go whore yourself out. But you could have said goodbye. We all thought you were dead! We checked the woods for weeks. Do you know what that would do to Charlie? Did you even CARE?" I'd known what this would do to Charlie, but I couldn't tell him where I was going…I just couldn't. But my temper was stopped any words which might have calmed this situation back down.

"What the hell! Was I suppose to go up to you and say 'Later Jake. I'm gonna go live with another guy'? It was better that you all thought I was dead!"

"Better? You can't possible…BETTER? The only person it was better for was you! Just admit that you left because you were such a fucking cowardly bitch that you couldn't face telling anyone!" I got up for the table and leaned against a counter arms crossed.

"Fine" I said. My eyes were alight with furry to match Jacob's, but I kept my voice low and empty of emotions. "Anything else?"

He didn't answer. Instead he stood shaking his head and left. I half collapsed against the counter and breathed a sigh of relief. So that didn't go well, but at least Jacob was no longer in my kitchen. I could breath again. And next time I saw him…maybe I could avoid him? No I couldn't. I needed to face the music so to speak, then I could move on. Nothing to do about Jacob Black right now. I crossed the kitchen and picked up my bag and started to drag it upstairs.


	3. Chapter 4 Alice

Thank you so much for all your reviews. Sorry on the long wait, but had a computerless vacation and couldn't update. So here it is chapter 4

**Chapter 4 Alice**

I asked my self why I was here for the thousandth time as I pulled up to the Cullen's old house. This was completely pointless and stupid. I should turn around and go home right now. Of course I didn't. I'd been telling myself the same thing since I got in the car and so far hadn't succeeded in convincing myself.

When my beat up old Ford was directly in font I killed the engine. I just sat in the car and stared. Someone was on the front porch. A pale skinned immobile statue who watched me through dark brown eyes. Alice.

Was she really here? Slowly I got out of the car. Then without closing the door I walked towards her just as hesitantly.

"Alice?" I asked.

A smile flashing across her face brought the marble pixie to life. She flitted towards me and stopped just short of embracing me.

"Bella" She stared in disbelieve. Which was disconcerting, Alice was never surprised. I smiled and flung my arms around her, hugging her fiercely as I could. A long dormant spring of contentment and belonging erupted in me. This was like coming home. Not home in the sense of a place, but like a family reunion. Coming back to the home that is in the arms of people who care.

I release Alice and simply looked at her. She was exactly the same always. I'm not sure how long we stood like that.

"Bella when did you get back?" Alice inquired.

I was puzzled "Don't you already know that. I mean didn't you see?"

"I haven't 'seen' anything on you since we left. Edward didn't want me spying on you. He said 'We've messed up her life enough already. Don't go trying to see what's happening.'" She did this with a perfect impression of Edward's articulate speech.

"I respect Edward as a brother, so I didn't look." A disapproving look appeared on her face. "We did hear about it when you disappeared. What happened?"

I sighed and told the depressing tale of how badly I screwed up for the second time in as many days.

**I'll write more later. And I know Alice can't control her visions, but there was no way she won't have gone to help Bella if she knew, so I had to change that. Sorry about that.**


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